We believe effective mentor couples need four key skills. Just because a couple has a great marriage doesn't mean they'll be great at mentoring. Developing these skills is essential to creating influence as a mentor couple.
Build rapport.
Ask good questions.
Be authentic.
Empathize.
With some couples you mentor, the chemistry will come easily. With others, you’ll have to work at it, and you may not ever connect in the way that you'd like. That’s okay. You can build rapport with all types of couples, and it's important to do this early in the relationship. It helps you build equity so you can have influence.
Here are some tips for building rapport with your engaged couple:
• Make your home warm and inviting.
• Find common ground with your couple.
• Be curious and show that you are interested in them (rather than trying to teach/lecture).
• Be prepared and fully engaged.
• Keep your conversations confidential.
"You made us feel so warm and welcome in your home. There were a few topics that were difficult to reveal, but you never judged. You always treated us with so much respect and kindness." - Blake and Kristen
Asking good, meaningful questions is an essential skill in building an effective mentoring relationship. Questions help mentors better understand what the engaged couple needs and where to direct the conversation. Watch the video below on asking good questions and answer the following questions.
“Even though we had been in a relationship for several years, many of the topics covered in the program were ones we had never discussed before. You gave us a safe environment to discuss these topics, and with your guidance, they were usually not nearly as uncomfortable as we originally expected!"- Emily and Ryan
Share stories about your marriage that are appropriately transparent and vulnerable. The couple needs to know you didn’t get it all right. This will give them hope when they hit bumps in their marriage. And it will pave the way for harder discussions when you might need to challenge them.
A few points to remember about sharing stories:
Make sure your stories are helpful, relevant, and appropriate.
Be mindful of how long you are talking. Your couple will enjoy listening to engaging stories, but it's important to make your point and then let them share.
Tell your story together so the couple can see both sides.
“Never stop showing vulnerability to your couples. That above all else built trust with us and allowed us to feel comfortable opening up to you.” - Shawn and Kim
Create connection by showing empathy.
Make your home a safe place where the couple can feel comfortable sharing their challenges in a confidential environment without feeling judged. Remember that they are nervous and are seeking your approval.
Open your heart as you listen to their challenges to the point where you are able to feel and reflect what they are feeling. Is there a similar challenge in your own life that could help you relate to the emotions that they are feeling?
Take the time to understand their perspective to the point where you are able to see what they are seeing. Ask yourself what it would be like to be in their situation, experiencing what they are experiencing.
Resist the urge to focus on fixing the problem. Try to provide insight and guide the couple through the process of exploring the problem and potential solutions together. This helps them to create a model they can use to work toward a solution and it will enhance their relationship in the process.
In the following video, Brene Brown illustrates how to build connection through empathy.